Here’s an excellent question from a reader about the concerns of self-worth and body image, how it relates to exposing their child to weight training, and how it can potentially influence and impact their confidence.
Here it is:
Hey Brad,
I’m going a little deep on this one. You’ve mentioned having a son. I have a six-year-old son myself. As a skinny guy who has really struggled with my size and how it relates to my feelings of confidence and self-worth, I sometimes wonder how to present my son with a balanced message as he grows up.
I firmly think that a man should have muscles and be as reasonably and naturally strong as he can be. He should push himself. He should “do hard things.” BUT, (especially since becoming a father) I’ve also learned that being a man is about so much more than muscles and strength.
Have you ever considered these questions of how you’ll raise your son to have a balanced view of strength and physique? How to teach him to pursue it without letting it become the foundation of his self-worth? How to value it without letting it determine HIS value?
Your blog is a very unique blend of fitness and philosophy, so I thought I’d throw this out there.
Thanks!
Ben
Ben, this is such a timely question. I had this very conversation with a gym buddy the other day. His son was turning 14, and he had similar thoughts and concerns. Of course, I couldn’t help but reflect on my own relationship with my son and how I will handle this exact same thing.
First, a little backstory. When I was a teenager, I was an extremely skinny, introverted, shy kid. I found weight training and became (looking back now) obsessed. I spent hours per day, six days per week, training. I would take pictures every few months to check progress, and I started to build my physique slowly over time.
In retrospect, a lot of my self-esteem and confidence came from building muscle and strength. I started to become more outgoing, my friends started looking at me differently, and I started getting more and more questions about how I did it.
I liked the attention, but not to an extreme degree. I literally built myself up versus being born athletic, muscular, or strong.
Here’s what I would change (or what I wouldn’t want my son to experience). I spent an enormous amount of time training and learning how to lift properly. This was all before the internet and social media, so all I had were magazines, books, and talking with the older lifters in my gym. I learned a lot, experienced every and all types of training styles, and forged great relationships, but, in an odd way, I don’t want my son to do the same.
I don’t want him to live in the gym, I don’t want him to obsess over every aspect of his physique, and I don’t want him to put all of his eggs in the gym basket. I want him to be well-rounded, social, happy, healthy, and interested in a number of different things life can offer.
Yes, I want him to lift some weights, but I want to present it to him in a supplementary way without focusing on how it can turn into an all-or-nothing approach to life.
I feel like I can do this by relating how lifting two or three times per week can improve his running, basketball, and overall health. Maybe he can work out with me and only do the movements he really enjoys. I want him to see how it can be fun, rib each other a bit, and take a little ownership of his efforts.
I know exactly where you’re coming from when talking about walking the fine line between self-esteem improvement and self-esteem fragility.
I also know our children are always watching. If I go into the gym and act all serious as if I’m going to war, he’ll probably head straight for the door. If I go into the gym, say a joke or two to a friend with a big smile on my face (how I normally train), then he’ll see that it’s a welcoming, fun environment. No intimidation, no meathead mentality.
I’ve never been a fan of the hardcore lifter, mean-mugging every gym newbie in sight and declaring unadulterated war on the weights.
Remember the Pumping Iron documentary? The Gold’s Gym scene looked fun, inviting, and enjoyable. It wasn’t a war zone.
Be a role model. Our kids are like sponges. If they see us enjoying the process, then they will too. They get to hang out with someone who is one of the most important people in their lives, and we get to teach them how to have a healthy relationship with their bodies, build the right kind of confidence, and develop a positive self-image.
Also, being a parent these days is incredibly different than when I was being raised. I want to develop an open line of communication with my son. I want him to talk about what’s on his mind, how I can help him, and what we can build together.
Ben, I hope this answers your question and you get the opportunity to enjoy the process.
If you’re reading this and have your own ways of walking this line, leave your comments below.
Happy lifting!
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Brad Borland 
Fantastic Brad. Thank you for sharing!!
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Thanks!
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Some of the most enjoyable training I ever had was with my dad. It was one hour a day, five days a week, spending time together. Because of our humour, I’m pretty sure that some of our banter sounded like abuse, but that’s how we were. When my dad stopped training and took up golf, he bought me a set of clubs and joined him for that. It didn’t matter to me who was stronger, or who was the better golfer. We’d compete, but never to the detriment of our relationship. It wasn’t about the sport. It was about the fact that a busy man was carving a few hours out of his life to spend time with his son. The strength gained from lifting weights, or the concentration learned by whacking a little white ball around a golf course were secondary benefits to the real value of a shared experience. Don’t over think it. Just get out and go stuff with your kid. They’ll never forget.
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Thank you so much for sharing this! You encapsulated my point so well! You are absolutely correct, just enjoy the time together. Get some work in, progress to get a little better each day, but enjoy it. My friend and I always say to enjoy the process and each other.
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Brad,
Thanks for the awesome response and insight. I really like what you said about keeping it fun and the importance of my son getting to hang out with the most important man in his life. And as another comment mentioned, I also remember those days with my own dad and how special they were. The first time he invited me to come to the YMCA with him when I was about 15. It was like a rite of passage. All of the above has helped me consolidate my own thoughts on the matter. And thanks to the above commenter for the reminder to not over think it. (I always need that advice) It really does seem to be a case where the journey IS the destination!
Thanks!
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Yes! But I’m still aware of the impact social media and influencers can have. It’s just us few dads versus the countless “professionals” feeding their minds daily. I just want to keep an open line of communication and an environment that would encourage my son to approach me about anything he sees online. Then I can tactfully and respectfully discuss it with him.
Thanks Ben!
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Hey Brad,
This is a great topic and I am glad that Ben asked these questions. Like you mentioned, you and I grew up in a time where we learned to workout from the older guys in the gym or waiting for this month’s Muscle & Fitness to be published. We also learned from trial and error with other young people in the gym. It really was fun and I couldn’t wait to get to the gym every day. I wouldn’t trade those times for anything. I learned so much and made some of the best friends of my life in the gym. When talking about your son working out, I think the most important thing is to support and encourage him. Kids need to know that dad is going to be there no matter what endeavor they want to try.
The world we are in is much different than our time with social media being everywhere in the gym. Many times I am working out and I am the only one not on my phone. Everyone is either editing their posts or reading others. I think it is important to teach your son the proper form on all of the exercises in the gym. He shouldn’t only rely on what he sees on social media as many of the “experts” really aren’t experts.
The gym can be a great place for a father and son to bond and share a common interest. I have experienced that with my son and it is a wonderful feeling. He still calls me after he has a great workout to tell me all about it. I always drop everything I am doing to take those calls.
Another thing to remember is that working out should not be about instant gratification. I have said for years that it is all about “The Process” to me. You should set short term goals for yourself but never lose sight of the big picture. Strive to be the best version of yourself that you can be. It’s not a competition with anyone else. It is all about developing yourself not only physically but mentally as well. Going to the gym can teach you how to be dedicated, determined and more confident.
This August will be 34 years since I started working out and it has helped me so much throughout my life. It makes me happy that my son has been working out consistently for around ten years now and I have seen so many improvements in him. Everybody can make progress. It just takes dedication and some hard work. Good luck to all of the dad’s out there!
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Thanks, Mike!
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